KL. Dozens of Malaysian actors on standby for The MH 370 Air Crash Investigators episode, protested outside of The Malaysian Airlines head office. “We fully understand,” said Yayasan Artis 1 Malaysia (Malaysian Arts Organisation) spokesperson Datuk DJ Bob. “All these roles for veteran actors in an international production, and they’re all just waiting around. Some of them have had to turn down incontinence pad ads. Nobody’s getting paid! But they have to show patience.”
Malaysian Chinese actors who are set to play the bulk of the roles of “doomed passenger” and “worried relative” have been particularly hard hit.
New Zealand has long been a favourite destination for Asian weddings and honeymoons, but recent legislation has all but killed the environmentally friendly honeymoon market. Requirements that resorts and hotels using the term “eco” must use composting or “long drop” toilets, has left high end honeymoon suites largely empty.
“We love New Zealand’s clean environment.” a Singaporean bride told The Asia Beat, ” but we are not used to this. How can you have romance, when your waste is composting next door?”
“Uggh, it’s the sound,” a Japanese bride said. “You do your business, then, a long, long time later, you hear the sound when it hits. It’s that terrible silence in between, as it drops…I just couldn’t take it. We left for Australia’s Gold Coast right after breakfast. No long drops. Never!”
New Zealand Tourism Board head, Kerry Prendergast, said, “There are no plans to change the laws. Although there may be slightly fewer Asian visitors, this has been more than made up by the increase in German honeymooners. They love the whole process! They even ask if they can spread it on the gardens themselves.”
Amsterdam. The male rare Malaysian crocodile involved in the vigorous mating session that killed his female partner may be sanctioned or even put down if it is determined that the female had withdrawn consent. First reports indicated that the female gavial crocodile was a “willing and enthusiastic” participant in the mating frenzy that left her cut, bleeding and ultimately dead. “We are examining the audio now,” an Amsterdam Zoo spokesperson told The Asia Beat. “We initially thought the grunting was the usual mating willingness, but other experts have interpreted them as “Get off me, you are suffocating me!”” The male gavial, which in the past has had a reputation as a “tender and generous” lover is in isolation, pending the results of the enquiry.
Singapore. Asia Pacific Breweries today confirmed beerdom’s worst kept secret – that Tiger Beer’s insipd and slightly unpleasant taste is a deliberate ploy to discourage local Singaporeans from drinking. Asia Pacific’s marketing manager Larry Boon-Hin told The Asia Beat, “We were in a difficult position. The Singapore government wanted an iconic beer that would be drunk by foreigners but not the locals. They wanted to discourage their own people from “lazy, work shy drunkenness” , while still pulling in the high alcohol taxes from foreigners.”
In 2004 in desperation, the company turned to New Zealand brewers to help gradually remove the flavour from Tiger. They turned not to DB, (Brewers of Tui), in which they had just bought a stake, but to Dunedin’s Speights, which has a strong tradition of brewing tasteless insipid lagers to the present day.
“We wanted something worse than Fosters, and Speights brewers delivered in spades!” Boon-Hin said. “And the beauty is that Australians haven’t noticed the difference.”
Controversial Chinese artist Ai Wei Wei received surprising support from art critics for what UK police are calling “straight vandalism”.
Wei used tar to paint a penis and scrotum onthe penis and scrotum of the heritage listed Cerne Abbas Giant, a massive chalk image in Dorset depicting a naked man. The image is believed to be centuries old. Wei entitles his piece, 递推， (Recursive). He also claimed that his addition had added “billions” to the value of the giant.
Critics have hailed the piece as “mandelbrotesque”, “Magritte worthy”, also saying that it “disrupts centuries of thinking about the depiction of C&B (cock and balls).”
As political support for Malaysian ruling party plummets, insiders concede that only Anwar “Giving a man a quick one”, can stave off political collapse. Without an Anwar sodomy incident, Barisar would stuggle to win a single seat in Penang, if an election were held today. “We have men dropping the soap in the shower at his sports club, bending to tie their shoelaces in front of him when he goes out, and even sending sausages and donuts to his house,” said a frustrated Barisar aide. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I hope he’s not too old for sodomy now. That would be a disaster for us.”
A bakery in Nollamara (Perth Western Australia) has been overwhelmed with orders – and death threats after making Islamic versions if the popular Easter treat Hot Cross Buns. Head baker Adeeb, originally from Afghanistan, told The Asia Beat, “I thought it was a good way for everyone to be able to take part in the Easter spirit. Are we not all people of the book?” Despite Islamophobic Aussies making death threats against Adeeb and his Bakery (business name and address withheld) the baker is unrepentant and has sold 500 dozen, mostly online.