The Asia Beat

Neck transplants have China executioners in a spin

The Lazy Aussie — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 05:58:07 +0000

Shanghai. The latest trend in cosmetic surgery – neck transplants, may force a rethink in the way China executes condemned prisoners. The organs harvested from Chinese criminals have become the mainstay of the lucrative transplant industry, not just in China but worldwide. Previously the demand has mostly been for liver, heart and kidney transplants, but the cosmetic transplant industry is growing rapidly. A major stumbling block for neck transplants is that the standard execution method, a pistol shot to the base of the skull, can often damage the upper tissues and skin of the neck.

Sir Cliff Richard

An Asia Beat investigation found that the neck transplant demand was generally coming from the West and from older women (and Cliff Richard obviously), but also wealthy Chinese women. Joan Collins also apparently swears by Chinese necks, calling them “Soft, flexible and oh so inscrutable”.

A Chinese government medical spokesperson, who we’ll call Cao to protect anonymity, told The Asia Beat in a secret interview that, “We are looking into it. Obviously we can’t hang them either, but we need to find a place on the body to shoot them that, you know, Madonna won’t want to buy in a couple of years.”

A neck transplant in a top Shanghai hospital can cost up to US$80, 000.

Changi Airport “Too interesting.” – Govt.

The Lazy Aussie — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 06:47:47 +0000

Singapore. The Singapore Government is considering forcing Changi Airport, one of the world’s biggest air hubs to become “less interesting”, as increasingly tourists are deciding to stay in the airport rather than brave Singapore’s humidity and supposedly petty laws. Singapore tourism’s Chief Executive Aw Kah Peng told The Asia Beat, “Singapore is much more than the airport. It is the world’s most interesting city. Therefore we are banning certain things from inside, to encourage tourists to visit “Real Singapore”.”

She listed numerous activities that would now only be found outside the airport. “You know that orange juice machine, that you can see the oranges come down automatically and be squeezed? That has gone. It’s not going to kill them to visit the Orange Julius in Orchard Rd.”

Also to be banned at the airport were the vibrating massage chairs and $21 pints of Carlsberg.

The Asia Beat. Singapore.

“Lazy” Malaysian sand “Better off in Singapore”.

The Lazy Aussie — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 05:42:36 +0000

Singapore’s voracious sand mining industry received a boost from the island’s Minister responsible for National Development Tan Chuan-Jin. (Also touted as next PM.)

Describing Malaysian sand as “good for nothing” and “lying about on the beach all day”, Tan went on to describe how the formerly unproductive granules were now “pulling their weight” by being part of Singapore’s glorious expansion.

“Each grain can now have pride in itself with a decent work ethic,” said Tan.

Singapore imports about 15 million tonnes of sand annually, largely used in expanding the land mass of the island.

Anwar shuns sausage feast after sodomy victory

The Lazy Aussie — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 05:48:07 +0000

Anwar objected to this sausage.

KL. Anwar Ibrahim, fresh from beating sodomy charges in court failed to show at a celebratory barbecue in his honour afterwards, which featured sausages. The controversial Malaysian politician was said to privately fuming, having given strict instructions that sausages and donuts were “off the menu” for any public events associated with him for the forseeable future. He was said to have grudgingly sanctioned lamb kebabs only after pleas from his daughter. “You just have to have one agent provocateur in the crowd, putting sausage and donut together in a suggestive fashion, and that would be just the excuse the police need,” he told The Asia Beat.

A police spokeman claimed he was 100% certain that Anwar had personally ordered the sausages and donuts himself.

The Asia Beat
Previous Asia Beat Anwar story.

Holden won’t recall “blessed” V8′s

The Lazy Aussie — Thu, 03 Mar 2011 05:17:38 +0000

Some Muslim workers at Holden’s Elizabeth plant have admitted that they have been surreptitiously giving “Islamic blessings” to V8 Commodore utes coming off the South Australian production line for months. A spokesman for the iconic Australian carmaker told The Asia Beat that Holden had no intention of recalling the vehicles. However he did say that the workers in question have been warned that they must respect the separation of “Church and ute”, and that the blessings should be stopped.

Opposition immigration spokesman Scott Morrison called on Holden to fund “exorcisms” or at the very least full detailing and called on the Immigration Department to investigate deportation options . “Young men, young Christian men have the right to know that their own vehicle might be plotting behind their backs.”

Mr Morrison was set to be disappointed, as all the men, originally from Iran, were long time Australian citizens according to Holden.

The former mufti of Australia Sheik Taj Din al Hilali, known for his extreme views on women and Jews, called on the Holden workers to defy the ban and extend their blessings to the Caprice and Calais.

Collingwood puts the bite on China

The Lazy Aussie — Tue, 01 Feb 2011 05:25:31 +0000

The Collingwood Football club is promoting the benefits of zero dental costs for its overseas fans, as the AFL (Australian Football League) makes a push into China. For the past two seasons, Chinese students living in Melbourne have been given 3 free tickets to AFL games along with “honorary” memberships once they return home. Collingwood President Eddie McGuire told The Asia Beat, “Many of these students have very little money, so the Collingwood fan tradition of never seeing a dentist appeals to them. On the other hand, many of them are puzzled that they are suddenly hated by millions of Australians – but hey, swings and roundabouts, or, as I believe they say in China, “Yoni and Lingham”".
(It is believed that Mr McGuire was referring toYin & Yang).

Chinese Lamingtons use Rhino Horn

The Lazy Aussie — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 03:04:59 +0000

In what has been described as a “fatal misunderstanding of a classic Aussie dessert”, Chinese chefs have been substituting grated rhino horn for the standard grated coconut. Coconut is used to coat the outside of lamingtons, which are cubes of stale sponge cake covered in chocolate and are a traditional Australian dish first made in Queensland over 100 years ago.

Kaz Krazy Kong, an Australian born celebrity chef of Chinese background, told The Asia Beat, “From their viewpoint, they feel they’re adding value. We (Chinese) like to slip a tiger penis or rhino horn into almost anything. From a taste point of view, they’re almost identical. Frankly, if you’re cooking with stale sponge, rhino horn is the least of your worries.”

The dish has taken China by storm since being served to Wen Jia Bao at the Australian Embassy in 2006. His wife PeiLi is believed to have first suggested using the aphrodisiac as a coating. Local chefs are innovating with Chinese ingredients, and there is even a savoury version using a cube of tofu dipped in plum sauce.

Lamintons. (Left rhino horn, right, coconut)

No Sharia Law for Cricket

The Lazy Aussie — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 04:27:27 +0000

London: The ICC has rejected a call from Pakistan to implement Sharia Law for Test Cricket. The proposal, which would have meant a committee of clerics adjudicating on LBW and run out decisions was labelled “impractical” by Australian and New Zealand cricket officials. Part of the proposal where a batsman could be out if the bowler said, “I dismiss you! I dismiss you! I dismiss you!” (3 times) was considered to give the fielding side too much power. However the biggest stumbling block came when India declared it would “rain down nuclear death” on Pakistan if any Indian players had their hands severed for cheating or no-balling.

Astrologers Brawl as Rabbit Year Approaches

The Lazy Aussie — Sat, 22 Jan 2011 07:27:19 +0000

Guangzhou. Ever finer divisions of Chinese zodiac signs “discovered” by competing Chinese astrologers and necromancers spilled into street brawling outside a conference designed to once and for all codify the divisions. Supporters of Little Astrology Prince from Hong Kong, savagely beat Singapore Feng Shui master Joey Yap over whether a “Rabbit” born on the 16th July 1963 of the Western Calendar was a Water-Gold-Emerald-Horn-Clay-Tofu-Jade-Soot-Wine – Rabbit, or a Water-Gold-Clay-Bile-Soot-Hay-Springwater-Lapis-Wine Rabbit.
A Chinese Government spokesman, while denying that a ban would be placed on divisions finer than a week, did admit that there was growing frustration over the need for more and more accuracy of timing. “Couples now have to use a stopwatch at both the birth and conception to know whether their child is a Fire Jade or a Fire Tofu. A slightly delayed ejaculation by the man could mean the difference between a child who is graceful, artistic, and respectful, to one who is graceful and artisitic, but downright surly, and no one wants that. “

Another attempt will be made to settle the matter in Kuala Lumpur in four years time.

Hipsters hit Mekong Delta

The Lazy Aussie — Sun, 17 Oct 2010 04:34:29 +0000

UK hipsters are deserting the capital for Vietnam’s Mekong River area en masse, leaving whole streets of South London deserted. “Little Shoreditch” in the centre of Cần Thơ in South Western Vietnam is the latest hotspot. Although some hipsters ave been unable to make much of a visual impact, almost blending in too easily with the bad moustaches, cheap sunglasses, skinny legs, bad fashions and 80s music of the locals, authentic viet chicken dishes only a minute’s walk in any direction have made the difference. A knockoff Pabst brewery and several cardigan factories have sprung up around the town, ready to dismantle and rebuild if fashion decides a change of location is necessary. Reuters.