The Asia Beat

Aussies expose sinister craft

The Lazy Aussie — Tue, 07 May 2013 11:13:31 +0000

Yarn bombing, popular in Australia, the US and the UK has been exposed as a sophisticated pedophile messaging system according to an academic at Perth’s Edith Cowan University. Yarn bombing, the act of knitting colourful yarn onto everyday objects such as trees and bicycles, has mostly been regarded as the work of unemployed losers and as a a craze which had been totally played about 3 years ago. Not so, claims ECU’s Professor Jan Acton. “I have been studying this phenomenon for 3 years, and decoding it I was horrified to find that each piece was a signal, a conversation even, between criminal pedophiles. You’ll find the same patterns in London, Perth, Sydney and New York. blue, yellow and red stripes means a safety house is nearby. Blocks of orange and white, signals that you are in view of a camera., WALK ON! WALK ON!

Clarke injury linked to shorts

The Lazy Aussie — Tue, 12 Feb 2013 05:30:21 +0000

Australian cricket captain Michael Clarke’s persistent hamstring injury has been traced to his faourite cutoff denim shorts according to a team spokesman. “His hammy has been behaving like an absolute princesss,” said team physio Alex Kountouris. “We were totally baffled until we saw that he had cut the backside shorter than the pockets. Whatver he had in his back pocket was trapped, cutting off circulation to his thigh and groin. The lesson from this is to never make your own cutoffs. Leave it to a professional designer.”

Aussie millionaire offers kangaroo tail pizza crust

The Lazy Aussie — Tue, 29 Jan 2013 02:16:31 +0000

Australian Millionaire Dick Smith, has hit back at exotic foreign foods, developing a range of pizzas that have a kangaroo tail embedded in the crust. “I saw an ad for a pizza that had frankfurter sausage in the crust, and it just made my blood boil,” Smith told The Asia Beat. “Why are we having German based sausages in our pizza crusts when Aussie kangaroo tails are lean, low fat and healthy?” Mr. Smith, a passionate advocate for all things Australian and whose company produces a big range of Australian food products is also experimenting with kangaroo pouch pizza pockets.

Australian company Rio Tinto to mine Beijing’s air pollution

The Lazy Aussie — Mon, 14 Jan 2013 07:27:51 +0000

At 950 micrograms per cubic metre, (the PM2.5 level in Tongzhou, on January 13), Beijing’s famously bad air pollution has finally reached comercially mineable levels. Chinese officials are delighted that unburnt coal particles, oxides of lead, mercury and carbon will now be a commercial asset to the city. “Mining Beijing’s air pollution will become a multi billion dollar industry,” said Cao Yuanzheng, Chief Economist, Bank of China, – and, more importantly, completely renewable.” It also fits with the Daoist principals that every positive can have a downside and every negative a positive side,” continued Mr. Cao. Australian mining giant Rio Tinto is said to be keen to exploit the resources literally lining the dusty streets of the ancient capital. “Even the lungs of someone who has lived in Beijing for over a year could be worth $150 on the rare metals spot market,” a spokesman for the company said.

Asian Men’s Shed cracks the whip

The Lazy Aussie — Wed, 17 Oct 2012 06:22:28 +0000

The first Asian Mens’ Shed established in Guangzhou China has been criticised for being “too productive” by the Australian Men’s Shed Association. Men’s Shed President Merv Dobson issued a “please explain” to the Guangzhou Shed after its members reported producing 250 000 Garfield tote bags in the 3 months since the Shed started.

“Men’s Sheds are supposed to be places where men can relax and talk about their issues,” Dobson told The Asia Beat, “not a kind of sweatshop. They should be concentrating on making wooden toys children won’t play with and having patents rejected for fuel saving carburettors.”

But the Guanzhou shed overseer, Feng Yunshan hit back, “That’s how these men relax, making tote bags. And they do talk about issues. Issues like, not enough tote bags. They share their feelings about not enough tote bags all the time.”

The Men’s Shed movement started in Australia in the 1990s to promote places that men could meet and relax and talk about their problems. It has spread to New Zealand, Ireland and the UK. The Guangzhou Men’s Shed, a sprawing 40 hectare factory complex on the banks of the Pearl River, will soon be joined by a sister - or rather brother ”Mega Shed” in Shenzhen in 2013.

Guangzhou’s Men’s Shed up and running.

Gangnam style “not miracle worker.” – PSY

The Lazy Aussie — Mon, 15 Oct 2012 02:54:17 +0000

Lance Armstrong is making a desperate bid to save his reputation, flying to Melbourne to record a Gangnam promo with Korean superstar Psy currently on tour in Australia. Embattled Australian jockey Damian Oliver, yesterday accused of illegal betting has also contacted Psy for the same reason.

Psy told The Asia Beat, “I don’t make judgement. I’ll teach Lance and Damian the steps, but the rest is up to them. I’m expecting that Damian as a jockey will be a natural since the dance is based on horse riding, but he may crouch a little too low and far forward. Gangnam is a very unpright stance. More like riding a donkey. Lance of course will have the balance from cycling, but his upper body and whipping might need work. But after Gangnam, they need to do their own thing. Gangnam has power, but it is not a miracle worker.

Armstrong and Oliver are expected to learn the steps on a stage at Melbourne’s Federation Square on Friday.

gangnam salvation

Malaysian “Gay and lesbian warning signs” seem to describe Singaporeans.

The Lazy Aussie — Thu, 13 Sep 2012 14:01:12 +0000

The Asia Beat Kuala Lumpur. Guidelines to identify gay and lesbian symptoms published by the Malaysian education board as a guide to parents, seem to describe Singaporeans according to Asian gay acitvists. Malaysian Education ministry spokeman Deputy Education Minister Mohd Puad Zarkashi describes the similarities as “Coincidence.”

The guidelines, designed to help Malaysian parents stamp out incipient homosexuality in their children list several symptoms of gays: Symptoms of gays:

Gay apparatus

Living in Singapore.
Being from Singapore.
Studying graphic design in Singapore.
Having a father who ran away in 1964 and didn’t stand up like a man to be macheted to death by a mob.
Stylish male clutch bags.
Orchard Rd.
Orange Julius.
Saying “Lah” particularly during male sexual congress.
Saying “Lah outside sexual congress.
Drinking Singapore Slings.

“3 Sisters” renamed for Chinese market

The Lazy Aussie — Tue, 24 Jul 2012 01:06:40 +0000

The iconic Three Sisters rock formation in the Blue Mountains is to be renamed “Two Parents One Child Mountain” to appeal to the Chinese tourism market. New South Wales Tourism minister George Souris explained, “If we want to be a part of the booming Chinese tourism market, we can’t be rubbing their one child policy in their faces, simple as that. Even if Chinese parents could have more than one child, three daughters would be regarded as a disaster. It would be like expecting Australians to visit somewhere in China called – I don’t know… ”Burnt to Death Koala” or something.”
Indigenous groups have expressed outrage at the move.

Asians offer to eat problem sharks

The Lazy Aussie — Mon, 23 Jul 2012 01:16:38 +0000

Western Australian Premier Colin Barnett is said to be considering an offer from an Asian seafood consortium to “find, kill and eat” dangerous sharks menacing swimmers and surfers off the coast.
With five fatal shark attacks in ten months, the government was apparently ”willing to try anything”.
Tony Tay, Head of 8 Add Lucky Seafood, a Singapore seafood wholesaler told The Asia Beat, “We will turn their man-eaters into eaten by man-ers.” When asked how they would find the offending sharks when scientists had failed, Mr Tay snapped, “We know where they are. They are about to bite your arse off.”
Mr Tay claimed that the fin of a confirmed man eater would fetch $2 million American dollars at a top Singapore or Hong Kong restaurant, while the rest of the beast would be worth about nothing. “Actually it will cost us money,” said Mr Tay. It costs us 50c to throw the carcase over the side.”

Not so tough now.

Racist Aussies Shun “Asian” Highway

The Lazy Aussie — Thu, 31 May 2012 06:08:31 +0000

Tens of thousands of motorists in Perth Western Australia are avoiding one of the city’s major arterial Roads - Tonkin Highway in the mistaken belief that it is named after the Gulf of Tonkin between Vietnam and Southern China. In reality the highway is named after John Tonkin, a former Labor Party Premier in the 1970s, but racist Western Australian motorists haven’t let the facts get in the way of their bigotry, and the almost deserted weed covered 6 lane freeway is constantly defaced with anti Asian slogans. “I’m not driving down some “slant eyed” road, one road user told The Asia beat. I’d rather add an hour to my trip and drive down Leach Highway and Abernethy Road, then cut through Alexander Drive to Reid Highway. A few drivers have defied the trend at least in theory. Alex Bainbridge of The Socialist Alliance said, “I f I had a car, or any prospect of owning a vehicle, or if vehicles were “socialised”, I would drive on it every day. Totally.”

Tonkin Highway – infested with weeds and racists.

Western Australian Transport Minister Troy Buswell refused to comment on rumours that Tonkin Highway is to be renamed Prince Charles Highway.

The Asia Beat Perth.