Dog movie “racist”.

The shock casting of a German Shepherd dog to play a Chinese Shar-Pei in an upcoming movie has been labelled racist by Chinese and Western commentators alike. “Jaws of The Tong “, the story of Sao (Cao) Gou, 曹狗， the loyal hound of 19th Century San Francisco Tong boss Low Ket, is due to start production in mid 2018 with experienced canine actor Kingsley in the lead role.

Producer Kelly Wagner, who is also the daughter of Turner and Hooch producer the late Raymond Wagner, told The Asia Beat, “First and foremost we look for the acting qualities in a dog, not how wrinkly its skin is. Several Shar-Peis auditioned for the role, but we felt that Kingsley best embodied both the loyalty and ferocity of Sao Gou. I think my father would have supported the casting decision.”

Jackie Chan is quoted as saying, “Are we in the 1960s? It is inexcusable that a suitable Chinese breed could not be found to play the role. Even a Pekinese would have been preferable to this.”

Kingley to play Sao Gou

Critics defend Ai Wei Wei’s “meta” vandalism

Controversial Chinese artist Ai Wei Wei received surprising support from art critics for what UK police are calling “straight vandalism”.

Wei used tar to paint a penis and scrotum on the penis and scrotum of the heritage listed Cerne Abbas Giant, a massive chalk image in Dorset depicting a naked man. The image is believed to be centuries old. Wei entitles his piece, 递推， (Recursive). He also claimed that his addition had added “billions” to the value of the giant.

Critics have hailed the piece as “mandelbrotesque”, “Magritte worthy”, also saying that it “disrupts centuries of thinking about the depiction of C&B (cock and balls).”

Chinese remake of The Castle stirs outrage

A Chinese remake of the iconic Aussie film The Castle has been labelled “Cultural Terrorism” by Australian commentators. The new film, still called “The Castle” in english language promotion is titled 魔鬼房子or House of Demons in Chinese posters. It was written, directed and stars Hong Kong actor comedian Stephen Chow in the Darryl role. In the Chinese version, the plot runs almost completely opposite to the Australian version where a retarded family successfully opposes their house being forcibly resumed by a greedy airport corporation.

The Chow film, funded almost entirely by the Chinese government film arm, SinaVision has Darryl and his family terrorising and eventually eviscerating a minor official trying to get an airport for his provincial city to provide jobs and economic development for his community. Darryl even stabs his own lawyer in the eye. The Chinese “Kerrigans” finally receive their comeuppance when the official, played by Chow Yun Fat, returns in demon form to seek vengeance. Darryl is executed, and the airport is built in record time.

Rob Sitch, director of the original, said he had full script approval for the new version, but an “inability to read Chinese” had led to misinterpretation of the spirit of the original.

Stephen Chow, when asked for comment on the Australian storm of criticism, said, “Trust me. My version is better.”

Darryl stabs own lawyer in Chinese remake of The Castle

China Buys Porn Star Skeleton

The controversial Sexual Health Museum in Guangzhou China claims to have purchased the bones of seminal 1970s pornography star John Holmes after ten years of negotiating with an unnamed agent.

However the museum’s plans to mount the skeleton on top of the already purchased bones of Holmes’ frequent co star Marilyn Chambers have been thrown into chaos with claims that the female skeleton is not Chambers’.

“The family claims it is not her,” said the museum director Cao Lao, “but we stand by our porn bones. ”

Records show that Chambers, star of films such as Insatiable (1980) was cremated in the 1980s. Holmes was also cremated in 1988.

The identity of the skeletons now in China are unknown, however the museum still insists on their authenticity and are going ahead with the tableau.

Australian company Rio Tinto to mine Beijing’s air pollution

At 950 micrograms per cubic metre, (the PM2.5 level in Tongzhou, on January 13), Beijing’s famously bad air pollution has finally reached comercially mineable levels. Chinese officials are delighted that unburnt coal particles, oxides of lead, mercury and carbon will now be a commercial asset to the city. “Mining Beijing’s air pollution will become a multi billion dollar industry,” said Cao Yuanzheng, Chief Economist, Bank of China,  – and, more importantly, completely renewable.” It also fits with the Daoist principals that every positive can have a downside and every negative a positive side,” continued Mr. Cao.  Australian mining giant Rio Tinto is said to be keen to exploit the resources literally lining the dusty streets of the ancient capital. “Even the lungs of someone who has lived in Beijing for over a year could be worth $150 on the rare metals spot market,” a spokesman for the company said.

Asian Men’s Shed cracks the whip

The first Asian Mens’ Shed established in Guangzhou China has been criticised for being “too productive” by the Australian Men’s Shed Association. Men’s Shed President Merv Dobson issued a “please explain” to the Guangzhou Shed after its members reported producing 250 000 Garfield tote bags in the 3 months since the Shed started.

“Men’s Sheds are supposed to be places where men can relax and talk about their issues,” Dobson told The Asia Beat, “not a kind of sweatshop. They should be concentrating on making wooden toys children won’t play with and having patents rejected for fuel saving carburettors.”

But the Guanzhou shed overseer, Feng Yunshan hit back, “That’s how these men relax, making tote bags. And they do talk about issues. Issues like, not enough tote bags. They share their feelings about not enough tote bags all the time.”

The Men’s Shed movement started in Australia in the 1990s to promote places that men could meet and relax and talk about their problems. It has spread to New Zealand, Ireland and the UK. The Guangzhou Men’s Shed, a sprawing 40 hectare factory complex on the banks of the Pearl River, will soon be joined by a sister – or rather brother “Mega Shed” in Shenzhen in 2013.

Guangzhou’s Men’s Shed up and running.

“3 Sisters” renamed for Chinese market

The iconic Three Sisters rock formation in the Blue Mountains is to be renamed “Two Parents One Child Mountain” to appeal to the Chinese tourism market. New South Wales Tourism minister George Souris explained, “If we want to be a part of the booming Chinese tourism market, we can’t be rubbing their one child policy in their faces, simple as that. Even if Chinese parents could have more than one child, three daughters would be regarded as a disaster. It would be like expecting Australians to visit somewhere in China called – I don’t know… “Burnt to Death Koala” or something.”
Indigenous groups have expressed outrage at the move.

Racist Aussies Shun “Asian” Highway

Tens of thousands of motorists in Perth Western Australia are avoiding one of the city’s major arterial Roads – Tonkin Highway in the mistaken belief that it is named after the Gulf of Tonkin between Vietnam and Southern China. In reality the highway is named after John Tonkin, a  former Labor Party Premier in the 1970s, but racist Western Australian motorists haven’t let the facts get in the way of their bigotry, and the almost deserted weed covered 6 lane freeway is constantly defaced with anti Asian slogans. “I’m not driving down some “slant eyed” road, one road user told The Asia beat. I’d rather add an hour to my trip and drive down Leach Highway and Abernethy Road, then cut through Alexander Drive to Reid Highway. A few drivers have defied the trend at least in theory. Alex Bainbridge of The Socialist Alliance said, “I f I had a car, or any prospect of owning a vehicle, or if vehicles were “socialised”,  I would drive on it every day. Totally.”

Tonkin Highway – infested with weeds and racists.

 

Western Australian Transport Minister Troy Buswell refused to comment on rumours that Tonkin Highway is to be renamed Prince Charles Highway.

The Asia Beat Perth.

Jackie Chan – I will be the “Yellow Bono”.

Announcing his retirement from action movies, Hong Kong star Jackie Chan confirmed the worst kept show business secret – that he will become Asia’s first Bono. Chan joked with journalists about “already having the bad sunglasses” but became irritated when pressed on his views about Chow Yun-fat, who in April announced himself as “The Chinese Sting.”. He’s saving African elephants!” Chan told the press. “African! What’s wrong with saving Asian elephants? He’s ignoring the elephants in his own room. – Asian elephants. Asian! Asian elephants are the ones to save!” Chan ended the press conference with a string of Cantonese obscenities and some half hearted karate chops aimed at imaginary African elephants.”

Neck transplants have China executioners in a spin

Shanghai. The latest trend in cosmetic surgery – neck transplants, may force a rethink in the way China executes condemned prisoners. The organs harvested from Chinese criminals have become the mainstay of the lucrative transplant industry, not just in China but worldwide. Previously the demand has mostly been for liver, heart and kidney transplants, but the cosmetic transplant industry is growing rapidly. A major stumbling block for neck transplants is that the standard execution method, a pistol shot to the base of the skull, can often damage the upper tissues and skin of the neck.

Sir Cliff Richard

An Asia Beat investigation found that the neck transplant demand was generally coming from the West and from older women (and Cliff Richard obviously), but also wealthy Chinese women. Joan Collins also apparently swears by Chinese necks, calling them “Soft, flexible and oh so  inscrutable”.

A Chinese government medical spokesperson, who we’ll call Cao to protect anonymity, told The Asia Beat in a secret interview that, “We are looking into it. Obviously we can’t hang them either, but we need to find a place on the body to shoot them that, you know, Madonna won’t want to buy  in a couple of years.”

A neck transplant in a top Shanghai hospital can cost up to US$80,  000.

(c) The Asia Beat 2012.