Category Archives: China

Collingwood puts the bite on China

The Collingwood Football club is promoting the benefits of zero dental costs for its overseas fans, as the AFL (Australian Football League) makes a push into China. For the past two seasons, Chinese students living in Melbourne have been given 3 free tickets to AFL games along with “honorary” memberships once they return home. Collingwood President Eddie McGuire told The Asia Beat, “Many of these students have very little money, so the Collingwood fan tradition of never seeing a dentist appeals to them. On the other hand, many of them are puzzled that they are suddenly hated by millions of Australians – but hey, swings and roundabouts, or, as I believe they say in China, “Yoni and Lingham””.
(It is believed that Mr McGuire was referring toYin & Yang).

Chinese Lamingtons use Rhino Horn

In what has been described as a “fatal misunderstanding of a classic Aussie dessert”, Chinese chefs have been substituting grated rhino horn for the standard grated coconut. Coconut is used to coat the outside of lamingtons, which are cubes of stale sponge cake covered in chocolate and are a traditional Australian dish first made in Queensland over 100 years ago.

Kaz Krazy Kong, an Australian born celebrity chef of Chinese background, told The Asia Beat, “From their viewpoint, they feel they’re adding value. We (Chinese) like to slip a tiger penis or rhino horn into almost anything. From a taste point of view, they’re almost identical. Frankly, if you’re cooking with stale sponge, rhino horn is the least of your worries.”

The dish has taken China by storm since being served to Wen Jia Bao at the Australian Embassy in 2006. His wife PeiLi is believed to have first suggested using the aphrodisiac as a coating.  Local chefs are innovating with Chinese ingredients, and there is even a savoury version using a cube of tofu dipped in plum sauce.

Lamintons

Lamintons. (Left rhino horn, right, coconut)

Beijingers Speak Purest Klingon

The inventor of the Klingon language Mark Okrand told The Asia Beat that the most accurate Klingon pronunciation is produced by a group of Beijing  science fiction fans. The guttural, invented language also known as “tlhIngan Hol”, spawned from the series of Star Trek films, is apparently perfectly suited to the throat clearing, tongue swallowing Beijing dialect Beijing hua (北京话).

Mr. Okrand told The Asia Beat, “I couldn’t believe it. We were in China scouting for the new movie, when from a net cafe behind a demolished Hutong, I distictly heard the words, “Destroy them all! If you fail your mission, do not return alive,” in the purest possible Klingon. I had stumbled across an informal meeting of the Beijing Science fiction club. It was an incredible experience!”

Mr. Okrand hastened to reassure Star Trek fans that “under no circumstances” would Jackie Chan be allowed anywhere near the new movie.

Chinese beat poets beaten

China’s first ever Beat Poet convention in the northern city of Dalian was broken up by police who mistook their berets as some kind of military attire. Despite the event being sanctioned and even promoted by the Liaoning Culture Ministry, many of the Chinese poets still remain in jail. Two invited American beat performers have also been deported. The organiser of the event, known as Hep-fucious, told The Asia Beat, “I think they were just embarrassed that they clubbed everyone at the start. It’s hard for them to admit a mistake here.

Lao-daddyo, another prominent Chinese Beat Artist said, “We don’t even dare click our fingers in public at the moment.”

Next year’s event in Harbin is in doubt.

Beijing Ball Burster

A cricket promotion in Beijing sponsored by The World Cricket Council and The Australian Trade Commission ended in tears today as Australian fast bowlers crushed the testicles of the first six Chinese batsmen. The Aussie team, made up of expats and tourists had been tipped off by the Kiwis that the specially invited Chinese batsmen had not been provided with groin protectors. They took full advantage.

The uneven surface at The Workers Stadium also played into the Australians’ hands. Former Victorian club bowler James Strong told The Asia Beat. “I hope these blokes have already had their one child.”

The Australians only needed to face one ball from the Chinese to overtake the three run target.

3 Dams Miscount Leaves China Redfaced

China’s iconic 3 Dams project on the Yangtze has become the laughing stock of the engineering world when officials found that they had actually built 6 Dams on the site. A project engineer who wished only to be known as Cao, told The Asia Beat, “I asked xxx xxxxx (name withheld) to count the number of dams on the right, and I would count the dams on the left. I should have specified MY right. I’m still not 100% sure how it happened.”

Plans are underway to rename it “The number of dams project.”

(c) The Asia Beat 2010

China’s Most Expensive Dish

Chicken Doodle Soup, a broth requiring 100,000 rooster penises has outstripped a gold leaf & birdnest dessert to officially become Asia’s most expensive dish.

Hong Kong based chef Perry Kam Kui, said the Million Yuan ( $1,140 000 HKD) appetiser “Was not popular with Westerners.” However it is rumoured that Rupert Murdoch’s Chinese wife Wendy has ordered 40 litres for the billionaires 80th birthday party in 2011.

(c) Asia Beat 2010.