Category Archives: culture

Hipsters hit Mekong Delta

UK hipsters are deserting the capital for Vietnam’s Mekong River area en masse, leaving  whole streets of South London deserted. “Little Shoreditch” in the centre of Cần Thơ in South Western Vietnam is the latest hotspot. Although some hipsters ave been unable to make much of a visual impact, almost blending in too easily with the bad moustaches, cheap sunglasses, skinny legs, bad fashions and 80s music of the locals, authentic viet chicken dishes only a minute’s walk in any direction have made the difference. A knockoff Pabst brewery and several cardigan factories have sprung up around the town, ready to dismantle and rebuild if fashion decides a change of location is necessary.  Reuters.

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Not Horny in Hanoi

The recent craze for “Honk if you’re Horny” bumper stickers in Vietnam, a practice long considered passe in the West  has raised the ire of authorities.  Deputy Transport Minister Le Manh Hung told The Asia Beat, “Everyone honks their horns all the time here. How will people tell who is horny and who just wants to overtake a truck on the footpath? Have you been seen Ho Chi Minh traffic? With these stickers it looks like everyone is horny all the time.”

Vietnam bloggers have a different take on the matter. Me Nam, aka Mother Mushroom, wrote that the authorities feared a “female sexual revolution” if Vietnam’s motorists were encouraged to lewd thoughts every time they hit the horn.

On average a scooter rider will use the horn 100 times an hour on the busy streets of Vietnam’s big cities. That could mean billions of horny thoughts a month.

AiYa! 3rd most tweeted.

With Asians now overtaking Americans as the world’s biggest tweeters, it is no surprise that AiYa, (哎呀!), the Chinese based phrase indicating surprise, shock or admiration has also overtaken, “dude” “fucktard”, “Dog”, “hole” and “Beiber” on the list of the most tweeted “words”. “AiYa!” is also rapidly closing in on LOL and ROFL.

SocialMedia World Forum Asia, spokesperson Nicholas Aaron Khoo when asked about the rising popularity of the phrase, told The Asia beat, “Ai YA!”

SocialMedia World Forum Asia will be held in Singapore on the 22nd and 23rd of September.

Beijingers Speak Purest Klingon

The inventor of the Klingon language Mark Okrand told The Asia Beat that the most accurate Klingon pronunciation is produced by a group of Beijing  science fiction fans. The guttural, invented language also known as “tlhIngan Hol”, spawned from the series of Star Trek films, is apparently perfectly suited to the throat clearing, tongue swallowing Beijing dialect Beijing hua (北京话).

Mr. Okrand told The Asia Beat, “I couldn’t believe it. We were in China scouting for the new movie, when from a net cafe behind a demolished Hutong, I distictly heard the words, “Destroy them all! If you fail your mission, do not return alive,” in the purest possible Klingon. I had stumbled across an informal meeting of the Beijing Science fiction club. It was an incredible experience!”

Mr. Okrand hastened to reassure Star Trek fans that “under no circumstances” would Jackie Chan be allowed anywhere near the new movie.

Chinese beat poets beaten

China’s first ever Beat Poet convention in the northern city of Dalian was broken up by police who mistook their berets as some kind of military attire. Despite the event being sanctioned and even promoted by the Liaoning Culture Ministry, many of the Chinese poets still remain in jail. Two invited American beat performers have also been deported. The organiser of the event, known as Hep-fucious, told The Asia Beat, “I think they were just embarrassed that they clubbed everyone at the start. It’s hard for them to admit a mistake here.

Lao-daddyo, another prominent Chinese Beat Artist said, “We don’t even dare click our fingers in public at the moment.”

Next year’s event in Harbin is in doubt.

Beijing Ball Burster

A cricket promotion in Beijing sponsored by The World Cricket Council and The Australian Trade Commission ended in tears today as Australian fast bowlers crushed the testicles of the first six Chinese batsmen. The Aussie team, made up of expats and tourists had been tipped off by the Kiwis that the specially invited Chinese batsmen had not been provided with groin protectors. They took full advantage.

The uneven surface at The Workers Stadium also played into the Australians’ hands. Former Victorian club bowler James Strong told The Asia Beat. “I hope these blokes have already had their one child.”

The Australians only needed to face one ball from the Chinese to overtake the three run target.

Chinese Beard “Next Logical Step” says Luke Steele

Empire of The Sun’s front man Luke Steele also known as Lord Gaga, shocked family and friends by announcing he would be growing a wispy “Chinese beard” out of a facial mole. Steele claimed he was “turned onto lucky mole beards” while making the video for “Walking on a Dream” in Shanghai.

“In the west people think the concept of growing long single hairs out of a facial mole is unbelievably repellant,” said the star. “I think that’s an arrogant attitude.”