Chinese remake of The Castle stirs outrage

A Chinese remake of the iconic Aussie film The Castle has been labelled “Cultural Terrorism” by Australian commentators. The new film, still called “The Castle” in english language promotion is titled 魔鬼房子or House of Demons in Chinese posters. It was written, directed and stars Hong Kong actor comedian Stephen Chow in the Darryl role. In the Chinese version, the plot runs almost completely opposite to the Australian version where a retarded family successfully opposes their house being forcibly resumed by a greedy airport corporation.

The Chow film, funded almost entirely by the Chinese government film arm, SinaVision has Darryl and his family terrorising and eventually eviscerating a minor official trying to get an airport for his provincial city to provide jobs and economic development for his community. Darryl even stabs his own lawyer in the eye. The Chinese “Kerrigans” finally receive their comeuppance when the official, played by Chow Yun Fat, returns in demon form to seek vengeance. Darryl is executed, and the airport is built in record time.

Rob Sitch, director of the original, said he had full script approval for the new version, but an “inability to read Chinese” had led to misinterpretation of the spirit of the original.

Stephen Chow, when asked for comment on the Australian storm of criticism, said, “Trust me. My version is better.”

Darryl stabs own lawyer in Chinese remake of The Castle

Asians offer to eat problem sharks

Western Australian Premier Colin Barnett is said to be considering an offer from an Asian seafood consortium to “find, kill and eat” dangerous sharks menacing swimmers and surfers off the coast.
With five fatal shark attacks in ten months, the government was apparently “willing to try anything”.
Tony Tay,  Head of 8 Add Lucky Seafood, a Singapore seafood wholesaler told The Asia Beat, “We will turn their man-eaters into eaten by man-ers.” When asked how they would find the offending sharks when scientists had failed, Mr Tay snapped, “We know where they are. They are about to bite your arse off.”
Mr Tay claimed that the fin of a confirmed man eater would fetch $2 million American dollars at a top Singapore or Hong Kong restaurant, while the rest of the beast would be worth about nothing. “Actually it will cost us money,” said Mr Tay. It costs us 50c to throw the carcase over the side.”

Not so tough now.

Jackie Chan – I will be the “Yellow Bono”.

Announcing his retirement from action movies, Hong Kong star Jackie Chan confirmed the worst kept show business secret – that he will become Asia’s first Bono. Chan joked with journalists about “already having the bad sunglasses” but became irritated when pressed on his views about Chow Yun-fat, who in April announced himself as “The Chinese Sting.”. He’s saving African elephants!” Chan told the press. “African! What’s wrong with saving Asian elephants? He’s ignoring the elephants in his own room. – Asian elephants. Asian! Asian elephants are the ones to save!” Chan ended the press conference with a string of Cantonese obscenities and some half hearted karate chops aimed at imaginary African elephants.”

Astrologers Brawl as Rabbit Year Approaches

Guangzhou. Ever finer divisions of Chinese zodiac signs “discovered” by competing Chinese astrologers and necromancers spilled into street brawling outside a conference designed to once and for all codify the divisions.  Supporters of Little Astrology Prince from Hong Kong, savagely beat Singapore Feng Shui master Joey Yap over whether a “Rabbit” born on the 16th July 1963 of the Western Calendar was a Water-Gold-Emerald-Horn-Clay-Tofu-Jade-Soot-Wine – Rabbit, or a Water-Gold-Clay-Bile-Soot-Hay-Springwater-Lapis-Wine Rabbit.
A Chinese Government spokesman, while denying that a ban would be placed on divisions finer than a week, did admit that there was growing frustration over the need for more and more accuracy of timing. “Couples now have to use a stopwatch at both the birth and conception to know whether their child is a Fire Jade or a Fire Tofu. A slightly delayed ejaculation by the man could mean the difference between a child who is graceful, artistic, and respectful, to one who is graceful and artisitic, but downright surly, and no one wants that. ”

Another attempt will be made to settle the matter in Kuala Lumpur in four years time.

China’s Most Expensive Dish

Chicken Doodle Soup, a broth requiring 100,000 rooster penises has outstripped a gold leaf & birdnest dessert to officially become Asia’s most expensive dish.

Hong Kong based chef Perry Kam Kui, said the Million Yuan ( $1,140 000 HKD) appetiser “Was not popular with Westerners.” However it is rumoured that Rupert Murdoch’s Chinese wife Wendy has ordered 40 litres for the billionaires 80th birthday party in 2011.

(c) Asia Beat 2010.