“Mushy Mushy”, the Asian food blogger, (real name Kimberly Li) has infuriated top Singapore chef Johnny Cho.
Li, who through a medical condition can only eat food in liquid form, travels with a blender, reducing meals to a paste or slurry, which she eats, then reviews on her popular blog.
Li described the liquefied version of Cho’s Shrimp Mince, Orange and Tomato Tart as “Like a stale prawn cracker milkshake.”
Cho immediately jumped online questioning Li’s ability to judge food – particularly multi textured dishes. “It’s completely outrageous. You can’t judge a dish like this. She’s an idiot. I tried to have her banned before. I thought I had stopped it all when I wouldn’t let her plug in her blender, but somehow she had a battery powered one made up with the motor from a leaf blower.” Cho’s first attack on Li was quickly removed, as the Chef had included almost a page of French obscenities (learned while he studied pastry in Switzerland apparently,), but copies are already circulating online. The redacted version still contained the phrase, “Mushy Mushy – Merde Merchant.”
The blogger responded to Cho’s criticism, saying “I didn’t need the solid version to tell that he’d completely burnt the garlic.”
Asia’s worst kept defence secret is finally out in the open, as a senior official admitted to journalists that Singapore’s compulsory military service (NS) was really only concerned with “shooting Malaysians.” Chan Chun Sing, the island’s Second Minister for Defence, said in an interview ostensibly concerned with his role in the Family Development ministry, said, “National Service is all about serving a higher purpose. And that higher purpose is shooting Malaysians if necessary. Who else are we going to shoot? Germans? LOL*”
New Zealand has long been a favourite destination for Asian weddings and honeymoons, but recent legislation has all but killed the environmentally friendly honeymoon market. Requirements that resorts and hotels using the term “eco” must use composting or “long drop” toilets, has left high end honeymoon suites largely empty.
“We love New Zealand’s clean environment.” a Singaporean bride told The Asia Beat, ” but we are not used to this. How can you have romance, when your waste is composting next door?”
“Uggh, it’s the sound,” a Japanese bride said. “You do your business, then, a long, long time later, you hear the sound when it hits. It’s that terrible silence in between, as it drops…I just couldn’t take it. We left for Australia’s Gold Coast right after breakfast. No long drops. Never!”
New Zealand Tourism Board head, Kerry Prendergast, said, “There are no plans to change the laws. Although there may be slightly fewer Asian visitors, this has been more than made up by the increase in German honeymooners. They love the whole process! They even ask if they can spread it on the gardens themselves.”
Singapore. Asia Pacific Breweries today confirmed beerdom’s worst kept secret – that Tiger Beer’s insipd and slightly unpleasant taste is a deliberate ploy to discourage local Singaporeans from drinking. Asia Pacific’s marketing manager Larry Boon-Hin told The Asia Beat, “We were in a difficult position. The Singapore government wanted an iconic beer that would be drunk by foreigners but not the locals. They wanted to discourage their own people from “lazy, work shy drunkenness” , while still pulling in the high alcohol taxes from foreigners.”
In 2004 in desperation, the company turned to New Zealand brewers to help gradually remove the flavour from Tiger. They turned not to DB, (Brewers of Tui), in which they had just bought a stake, but to Dunedin’s Speights, which has a strong tradition of brewing tasteless insipid lagers to the present day.
“We wanted something worse than Fosters, and Speights brewers delivered in spades!” Boon-Hin said. “And the beauty is that Australians haven’t noticed the difference.”
The Asia Beat Kuala Lumpur. Guidelines to identify gay and lesbian symptoms published by the Malaysian education board as a guide to parents, seem to describe Singaporeans according to Asian gay acitvists. Malaysian Education ministry spokeman Deputy Education Minister Mohd Puad Zarkashi describes the similarities as “Coincidence.”
The guidelines, designed to help Malaysian parents stamp out incipient homosexuality in their children list several symptoms of gays: Symptoms of gays:
Living in Singapore.
Being from Singapore.
Studying graphic design in Singapore.
Having a father who ran away in 1964 and didn’t stand up like a man to be macheted to death by a mob.
Stylish male clutch bags.
Saying “Lah” particularly during male sexual congress.
Saying “Lah outside sexual congress.
Drinking Singapore Slings.
Western Australian Premier Colin Barnett is said to be considering an offer from an Asian seafood consortium to “find, kill and eat” dangerous sharks menacing swimmers and surfers off the coast.
With five fatal shark attacks in ten months, the government was apparently “willing to try anything”.
Tony Tay, Head of 8 Add Lucky Seafood, a Singapore seafood wholesaler told The Asia Beat, “We will turn their man-eaters into eaten by man-ers.” When asked how they would find the offending sharks when scientists had failed, Mr Tay snapped, “We know where they are. They are about to bite your arse off.”
Mr Tay claimed that the fin of a confirmed man eater would fetch $2 million American dollars at a top Singapore or Hong Kong restaurant, while the rest of the beast would be worth about nothing. “Actually it will cost us money,” said Mr Tay. It costs us 50c to throw the carcase over the side.”
Singapore. The Singapore Government is considering forcing Changi Airport, one of the world’s biggest air hubs to become “less interesting”, as increasingly tourists are deciding to stay in the airport rather than brave Singapore’s humidity and supposedly petty laws. Singapore tourism’s Chief Executive Aw Kah Peng told The Asia Beat, “Singapore is much more than the airport. It is the world’s most interesting city. Therefore we are banning certain things from inside, to encourage tourists to visit “Real Singapore”.”
She listed numerous activities that would now only be found outside the airport. “You know that orange juice machine, that you can see the oranges come down automatically and be squeezed? That has gone. It’s not going to kill them to visit the Orange Julius in Orchard Rd.”
Also to be banned at the airport were the vibrating massage chairs and $21 pints of Carlsberg.
Singapore’s voracious sand mining industry received a boost from the island’s Minister responsible for National Development Tan Chuan-Jin. (Also touted as next PM.)
Describing Malaysian sand as “good for nothing” and “lying about on the beach all day”, Tan went on to describe how the formerly unproductive granules were now “pulling their weight” by being part of Singapore’s glorious expansion.
“Each grain can now have pride in itself with a decent work ethic,” said Tan.
Singapore imports about 15 million tonnes of sand annually, largely used in expanding the land mass of the island.
Guangzhou. Ever finer divisions of Chinese zodiac signs “discovered” by competing Chinese astrologers and necromancers spilled into street brawling outside a conference designed to once and for all codify the divisions. Supporters of Little Astrology Prince from Hong Kong, savagely beat Singapore Feng Shui master Joey Yap over whether a “Rabbit” born on the 16th July 1963 of the Western Calendar was a Water-Gold-Emerald-Horn-Clay-Tofu-Jade-Soot-Wine – Rabbit, or a Water-Gold-Clay-Bile-Soot-Hay-Springwater-Lapis-Wine Rabbit.
A Chinese Government spokesman, while denying that a ban would be placed on divisions finer than a week, did admit that there was growing frustration over the need for more and more accuracy of timing. “Couples now have to use a stopwatch at both the birth and conception to know whether their child is a Fire Jade or a Fire Tofu. A slightly delayed ejaculation by the man could mean the difference between a child who is graceful, artistic, and respectful, to one who is graceful and artisitic, but downright surly, and no one wants that. ”
Another attempt will be made to settle the matter in Kuala Lumpur in four years time.
With Asians now overtaking Americans as the world’s biggest tweeters, it is no surprise that AiYa, （哎呀！), the Chinese based phrase indicating surprise, shock or admiration has also overtaken, “dude” “fucktard”, “Dog”, “hole” and “Beiber” on the list of the most tweeted “words”. “AiYa!” is also rapidly closing in on LOL and ROFL.
SocialMedia World Forum Asia, spokesperson Nicholas Aaron Khoo when asked about the rising popularity of the phrase, told The Asia beat, “Ai YA!”