Category Archives: Uncategorized

Museum of Winds Opens


Experience the world’s iconic winds and breezes at Geraldton’s Museum of Winds.

Geraldton’s new Museum of Winds officially opens this week, a culmination of five years’ work and $280 million of Lotterywest funding. At the official press conference, MOW Patron Tim Winton, said visitors to the state of the art facility would be able to experience specially curated iconic winds and breezes from around the world, with the speeds, direction, humidity, and even the odours perfectly recreated.

“Phwoar, being asked what my favourite wind is, is like being asked which is your favourite child,” said Mr. Winton, “But yes, of course the Freo Doctor will be front and centre. Every afternoon, from 4:30, The Doctor will be piped in from the southwest vents, rich with ozone, bunker diesel and the tang of soggy chips. But I’ve surprised myself actually by falling in Love with The Mistral. It’s a cold wind from France, that brings the scent of vines and donkeys.”

Children will be “blown away”, literally, in the wind tunnel, where they can experience the highest wind speed ever recorded in Australia of 407kmh at Barrow Island.

“Visiting” winds in 2020 will include the Sirocco, and Canada’s Rocky Mountain Chinook.

Vagina Steaming to go on despite diarrhea outbreak. 

Bali’s famous Mist and Mountain View Retreat is under fire for refusing to refund prepaid vagina steaming sessions, despite most guests being affected by a violent diarrhea outbreak. Vagina steaming, popularised by Cate Blanchett is the resort’s most expensive treatment, with some international visitors having paid up to US$10,000 for two weeks of eight sessions a day. “They won’t even let us delay it,” claimed Swedish visitor Ebba Lindberg. “It’s completely outrageous. How can we be expected to steam our vaginas when most of us are on the toilet all day?”  
A spokesperson for Mist View Retreat – who refused to be named, told The Asia Beat, “It doesn’t matter. We can steam the whole area.”

Steaming will go on vows clinic.

Aussie Mayor Targets Pooch Urine

The City of Vincent in Perth Western Australia has become the first jurisdiction in the world to require owners to take responsibility for their pets’ urine as well as feces. The yellow bags that are currently made available to remove solid waste will from July 1st this year, include a sponge pad to sop up dog urine from around poles and trees and other hot spots. Owners will be encouraged to try to catch the stream of urine if possible. City of Vincent Mayor Alannah MacTiernan told The Asia Beat, “Well once it’s hit the post or whatever, you are never going to be able to sop it all up. Better to catch it before it gets to the environment. We see this as a major environmental plus for the City of Vincent. Nobody wants urine soaked poles. We don’t allow public upetpissrination by humans, so why allow dogs?” Ms MacTiernan expected other Councils to follow suit within the next few months. However Town of Cambridge (a nearby jurisdiction in Perth) Mayor Simon Withers labelled the move as “Impractical,” and “Typical bloody Alannah.”

Clarke injury linked to shorts

Australian cricket captain Michael Clarke’s persistent hamstring injury has been traced to his faourite cutoff denim shorts according to a team spokesman. “His hammy has been behaving like an absolute princesss,” said team physio Alex Kountouris. “We were totally baffled until we saw that he had cut the backside shorter than the pockets. Whatver he had in his back pocket was trapped, cutting off circulation to his thigh and groin. The lesson from this is to never make your own cutoffs. Leave it to a professional designer.”

Changi Airport “Too interesting.” – Govt.

Singapore. The Singapore Government is considering forcing Changi Airport, one of the world’s biggest air hubs to become “less interesting”, as increasingly tourists are deciding to stay in the airport rather than brave Singapore’s humidity and supposedly petty laws. Singapore tourism’s Chief Executive Aw Kah Peng told The Asia Beat, “Singapore is much more than the airport. It is the world’s most interesting city. Therefore we are banning certain things from inside, to encourage tourists to visit “Real Singapore”.”

She listed numerous activities that would now only be found outside the airport. “You know that orange juice machine, that you can see the oranges come down automatically and be squeezed? That has gone. It’s not going to kill them to visit the Orange Julius in Orchard Rd.”

Also to be banned at the airport were the vibrating massage chairs and $21 pints of Carlsberg.

The Asia Beat. Singapore.

Yellow River

The Malaysian Government has confirmed that no charges will be laid against a man who for 20 years organised secret “urination parties” to the Johore River, near to the intakes for fresh water piped to Singapore.The man named in documents as Tiang Cheng, has been leading groups of up to 50 locals to the location, just upstream from the Johore reservoir, since 1990. Mr Cheng claims to have been inspired by hearing his father exclaim “This one’s for you Lee!” while relieving himself on the riverbank in the 1970′s. “I see it as a tribute to my father,” said Mr Cheng. “He was always against Singaporean arrogance.”

Although out of respect for his father, Mr Cheng always limits his action to urination, he claimed that some members of the group “used other methods.”

Khoo Teng Chye, Chief Executive of PUB, Singapore’s national water agency,said that most Singaporeans would not be surprised to hear of the practice, but should not be alarmed, as Malaysian water had always received “extra levels” of treatment.

Asia Beat 2010