New Zealand has long been a favourite destination for Asian weddings and honeymoons, but recent legislation has all but killed the environmentally friendly honeymoon market. Requirements that resorts and hotels using the term “eco” must use composting or “long drop” toilets, has left high end honeymoon suites largely empty.
“We love New Zealand’s clean environment.” a Singaporean bride told The Asia Beat, ” but we are not used to this. How can you have romance, when your waste is composting next door?”
“Uggh, it’s the sound,” a Japanese bride said. “You do your business, then, a long, long time later, you hear the sound when it hits. It’s that terrible silence in between, as it drops…I just couldn’t take it. We left for Australia’s Gold Coast right after breakfast. No long drops. Never!”
New Zealand Tourism Board head, Kerry Prendergast, said, “There are no plans to change the laws. Although there may be slightly fewer Asian visitors, this has been more than made up by the increase in German honeymooners. They love the whole process! They even ask if they can spread it on the gardens themselves.”
Amsterdam. The male rare Malaysian crocodile involved in the vigorous mating session that killed his female partner may be sanctioned or even put down if it is determined that the female had withdrawn consent. First reports indicated that the female gavial crocodile was a “willing and enthusiastic” participant in the mating frenzy that left her cut, bleeding and ultimately dead. “We are examining the audio now,” an Amsterdam Zoo spokesperson told The Asia Beat. “We initially thought the grunting was the usual mating willingness, but other experts have interpreted them as “Get off me, you are suffocating me!”” The male gavial, which in the past has had a reputation as a “tender and generous” lover is in isolation, pending the results of the enquiry.
Singapore. Asia Pacific Breweries today confirmed beerdom’s worst kept secret – that Tiger Beer’s insipd and slightly unpleasant taste is a deliberate ploy to discourage local Singaporeans from drinking. Asia Pacific’s marketing manager Larry Boon-Hin told The Asia Beat, “We were in a difficult position. The Singapore government wanted an iconic beer that would be drunk by foreigners but not the locals. They wanted to discourage their own people from “lazy, work shy drunkenness” , while still pulling in the high alcohol taxes from foreigners.”
In 2004 in desperation, the company turned to New Zealand brewers to help gradually remove the flavour from Tiger. They turned not to DB, (Brewers of Tui), in which they had just bought a stake, but to Dunedin’s Speights, which has a strong tradition of brewing tasteless insipid lagers to the present day.
“We wanted something worse than Fosters, and Speights brewers delivered in spades!” Boon-Hin said. “And the beauty is that Australians haven’t noticed the difference.”
Controversial Chinese artist Ai Wei Wei received surprising support from art critics for what UK police are calling “straight vandalism”.
Wei used tar to paint a penis and scrotum onthe penis and scrotum of the heritage listed Cerne Abbas Giant, a massive chalk image in Dorset depicting a naked man. The image is believed to be centuries old. Wei entitles his piece, 递推， (Recursive). He also claimed that his addition had added “billions” to the value of the giant.
Critics have hailed the piece as “mandelbrotesque”, “Magritte worthy”, also saying that it “disrupts centuries of thinking about the depiction of C&B (cock and balls).”
As political support for Malaysian ruling party plummets, insiders concede that only Anwar “Giving a man a quick one”, can stave off political collapse. Without an Anwar sodomy incident, Barisar would stuggle to win a single seat in Penang, if an election were held today. “We have men dropping the soap in the shower at his sports club, bending to tie their shoelaces in front of him when he goes out, and even sending sausages and donuts to his house,” said a frustrated Barisar aide. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I hope he’s not too old for sodomy now. That would be a disaster for us.”
A bakery in Nollamara (Perth Western Australia) has been overwhelmed with orders – and death threats after making Islamic versions if the popular Easter treat Hot Cross Buns. Head baker Adeeb, originally from Afghanistan, told The Asia Beat, “I thought it was a good way for everyone to be able to take part in the Easter spirit. Are we not all people of the book?” Despite Islamophobic Aussies making death threats against Adeeb and his Bakery (business name and address withheld) the baker is unrepentant and has sold 500 dozen, mostly online.
A Chinese remake of the iconic Aussie film The Castle has been labelled “Cultural Terrorism” by Australian commentators. The new film, still called “The Castle” in english language promotion is titled 魔鬼房子or House of Demons in Chinese posters. It was written, directed and stars Hong Kong actor comedian Stephen Chow in the Darryl role. In the Chinese version, the plot runs almost completely opposite to the Australian version where a retarded family successfully opposes their house being forcibly resumed by a greedy airport corporation.
The Chow film, funded almost entirely by the Chinese government film arm, SinaVision has Darryl and his family terrorising and eventually eviscerating a minor official trying to get an airport for his provincial city to provide jobs and economic development for his community. Darryl even stabs his own lawyer in the eye. The Chinese “Kerrigans” finally receive their comeuppance when the official, played by Chow Yun Fat, returns in demon form to seek vengeance. Darryl is executed, and the airport is built in record time.
Rob Sitch, director of the original, said he had full script approval for the new version, but an “inability to read Chinese” had led to misinterpretation of the spirit of the original.
Stephen Chow, when asked for comment on the Australian storm of criticism, said, “Trust me. My version is better.”
Darryl stabs own lawyer in Chinese remake of The Castle
The controversial Sexual Health Museum in Guangzhou China claims to have purchased the bones of seminal 1970s pornography star John Holmes after ten years of negotiating with an unnamed agent.
However the museum’s plans to mount the skeleton on top of the already purchased bones of Holmes’ frequent co star Marilyn Chambers have been thrown into chaos with claims that the female skeleton is not Chambers’.
“The family claims it is not her,” said the museum director Cao Lao, “but we stand by our porn bones. ”
Records show that Chambers, star of films such as Insatiable (1980) was cremated in the 1980s. Holmes was also cremated in 1988.
The identity of the skeletons now in China are unknown, however the museum still insists on their authenticity and are going ahead with the tableau.
An Edith Cowan University researcher claims that killer sharks follow a “chemical superhighway” laid down by high altitude jet contrails direct to Perth and Southwest Australian beaches.
Luke Tarrant, lecturer in surfing semiotics at ECU’s Bunbury campus told the Asia Beat, “Hundreds of domestic and International flights intersect the south coast near Esperance, a notorious shark attack nexus. Planes leaving for Bali and Singapore swing out straight out over Western suburbs beaches such as Cottesloe – another notorious shark attack centre. It doesn’t take a genius to put the facts together.”
Sharks have a super sensitive detection points along their bodies and can detect the contrail residue that falls into the sea at concentrations of less than 1 part per billion.”
A spokesperson for Edith Cowan claimed that Mr Tarrant was a only a sessional (part time) academic, and that his views were not shared by those on “permanent contracts.”
The City of Vincent in Perth Western Australia has become the first jurisdiction in the world to require owners to take responsibility for their pets’ urine as well as feces. The yellow bags that are currently made available to remove solid waste will from July 1st this year, include a sponge pad to sop up dog urine from around poles and trees and other hot spots. Owners will be encouraged to try to catch the stream of urine if possible. City of Vincent Mayor Alannah MacTiernan told The Asia Beat, “Well once it’s hit the post or whatever, you are never going to be able to sop it all up. Better to catch it before it gets to the environment. We see this as a major environmental plus for the City of Vincent. Nobody wants urine soaked poles. We don’t allow public urination by humans, so why allow dogs?” Ms MacTiernan expected other Councils to follow suit within the next few months. However Town of Cambridge (a nearby jurisdiction in Perth) Mayor Simon Withers labelled the move as “Impractical,” and “Typical bloody Alannah.”