Tag Archives: beijing

Australian company Rio Tinto to mine Beijing’s air pollution

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At 950 micrograms per cubic metre, (the PM2.5 level in Tongzhou, on January 13), Beijing’s famously bad air pollution has finally reached comercially mineable levels. Chinese officials are delighted that unburnt coal particles, oxides of lead, mercury and carbon will now be a commercial asset to the city. “Mining Beijing’s air pollution will become a multi billion dollar industry,” said Cao Yuanzheng, Chief Economist, Bank of China,  – and, more importantly, completely renewable.” It also fits with the Daoist principals that every positive can have a downside and every negative a positive side,” continued Mr. Cao.  Australian mining giant Rio Tinto is said to be keen to exploit the resources literally lining the dusty streets of the ancient capital. “Even the lungs of someone who has lived in Beijing for over a year could be worth $150 on the rare metals spot market,” a spokesman for the company said.

Beijingers Speak Purest Klingon

The inventor of the Klingon language Mark Okrand told The Asia Beat that the most accurate Klingon pronunciation is produced by a group of Beijing  science fiction fans. The guttural, invented language also known as “tlhIngan Hol”, spawned from the series of Star Trek films, is apparently perfectly suited to the throat clearing, tongue swallowing Beijing dialect Beijing hua (北京话).

Mr. Okrand told The Asia Beat, “I couldn’t believe it. We were in China scouting for the new movie, when from a net cafe behind a demolished Hutong, I distictly heard the words, “Destroy them all! If you fail your mission, do not return alive,” in the purest possible Klingon. I had stumbled across an informal meeting of the Beijing Science fiction club. It was an incredible experience!”

Mr. Okrand hastened to reassure Star Trek fans that “under no circumstances” would Jackie Chan be allowed anywhere near the new movie.

Beijing Ball Burster

A cricket promotion in Beijing sponsored by The World Cricket Council and The Australian Trade Commission ended in tears today as Australian fast bowlers crushed the testicles of the first six Chinese batsmen. The Aussie team, made up of expats and tourists had been tipped off by the Kiwis that the specially invited Chinese batsmen had not been provided with groin protectors. They took full advantage.

The uneven surface at The Workers Stadium also played into the Australians’ hands. Former Victorian club bowler James Strong told The Asia Beat. “I hope these blokes have already had their one child.”

The Australians only needed to face one ball from the Chinese to overtake the three run target.