Category Archives: Australia

Sushi Train Wreck

Perth, Western Australia became the last jurisdiction in the world to to regulate the maximum speed of its sushi trains. A decades long fight for control between the Ministry of Transport and the Health department, has seen the city’s 80 sushi trains restricted to a plodding 0.02 kilometres per hour – sushi trains in Japan frequently exceed 25 kilometres per hour.

A spokesperson for the WA Health Department told The Asia Beat, “It’s absurd for the transport department to be involved. It’s a restaurant, not an actual train, and therefore should be under the control of Health.” Despite this, it is not certain that a move to the health portfolio would actually mean a deregulation of sushi train speeds. As late as last week the health department website was still advocating some kind of limit, albeit with a much brisker 5 kilometre per hour top speed. This is still 20kmh less that the fastest Japanese trains.

The transport minister Dean Nalder issued a statement. “Sushi trains are designated trains, and transport goods, and as such will continue to come under the transport portfolio. The government continues to support the current speed limit.”

Super Wasabi

Japan’s famous Super Wasabi “bullet” sushi train can reach speeds of 26.5 kmh.

Snake of the year spat turns nasty

The fallout from the snake of the year scandal could threaten Australian Indian relations, with the Indian Consul General to Australia, Sunjay Sudhir labelling the Taipan a “bullshit snake”. The dumping of the Cobra which has been snake of the year five years in a row came after scientists pointed out that the term “cobra” covered a huge range of species, not just the one snake, making the award invalid.

India renominated the King Cobra, and it was widely believed that this snake would have the honour transferred as a formality. However the Presidium decided to hold a new vote, and in a shock move, Mozambique also nominated their famous Spitting Cobra.

With the Cobra voting block hopelessly split, Australia’s Coastal Taipan stolled in as an easy winner. Australian environment minister Greg Hunt told The Asia Beat that The King Cobra “Just didn’t have the numbers. End of Story.”

Coastal Taipan. Snake of The Year Photo; AllenMcC.

Coastal Taipan. Snake of The Year Photo; AllenMcC.

Aussie icon may cure sick

A pylon at Western Australia’s Cottesloe beach is set to become “A Lourdes for the stomach” if claims by three tourists are true. One man, a Japanese national who only wanted to be identified as Hiroshi, claimed that touching the pylon – a short but challenging swim from the beach – cured his extreme diarrhea. “I touched it and immediately my intestines relaxed,” Hiroshi told The Asia Beat.

It would be easy to dismiss Hiroshi’s claims as pure coincidence, were it not that two Italian men also claimed that touching the pylon had relieved stomach cramps caused by eating half frozen Chiko Rolls and lamingtons (Australian delicacies.) Social media posts also seem to confirm the claims with many people saying that touching the pylon had relieved everything from “general queasiness” to “Gippy tummies”.

A spokeperson from Sir Charles Gairdner hospital where where Hiroshi and the Italian men were tested and confirmed to be gastrically healthy, said, “It would be better just not to eat that crap rather than rely on “Magic pylons”.

miracle pylon

Sick tourists swim to the miracle pylon

Hot Crescent Buns face Aussie Islamophobia

A bakery in Nollamara (Perth Western Australia) has been overwhelmed with orders – and death threats after making Islamic versions if the popular Easter treat Hot Cross Buns. Head baker Adeeb, originally from Afghanistan, told The Asia Beat, “I thought it was a good way for everyone to be able to take part in the Easter spirit. Are we not all people of the book?” Despite Islamophobic Aussies making death threats against Adeeb and his Bakery (business name and address withheld) the baker is unrepentant and has sold 500 dozen, mostly online.

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Chinese remake of The Castle stirs outrage

A Chinese remake of the iconic Aussie film The Castle has been labelled “Cultural Terrorism” by Australian commentators. The new film, still called “The Castle” in english language promotion is titled 魔鬼房子or House of Demons in Chinese posters. It was written, directed and stars Hong Kong actor comedian Stephen Chow in the Darryl role. In the Chinese version, the plot runs almost completely opposite to the Australian version where a retarded family successfully opposes their house being forcibly resumed by a greedy airport corporation.

The Chow film, funded almost entirely by the Chinese government film arm, SinaVision has Darryl and his family terrorising and eventually eviscerating a minor official trying to get an airport for his provincial city to provide jobs and economic development for his community. Darryl even stabs his own lawyer in the eye. The Chinese “Kerrigans” finally receive their comeuppance when the official, played by Chow Yun Fat, returns in demon form to seek vengeance. Darryl is executed, and the airport is built in record time.

Rob Sitch, director of the original, said he had full script approval for the new version, but an “inability to read Chinese” had led to misinterpretation of the spirit of the original.

Stephen Chow, when asked for comment on the Australian storm of criticism, said, “Trust me. My version is better.”

Darryl stabs own lawyer in Chinese remake of The Castle

Darryl stabs own lawyer in Chinese remake of The Castle

Killer Sharks Follow Jet Trails

An Edith Cowan University researcher claims that killer sharks follow a “chemical superhighway” laid down by high altitude jet contrails direct to Perth and Southwest Australian beaches.

Luke Tarrant, lecturer in surfing semiotics at ECU’s Bunbury campus told the Asia Beat, “Hundreds of domestic and International flights intersect the south coast near Esperance, a notorious shark attack nexus. Planes leaving for Bali and Singapore swing out straight out over Western suburbs beaches such as Cottesloe – another notorious shark attack centre. It doesn’t take a genius to put the facts together.”
Sharks have a super sensitive detection points along their bodies and can detect the contrail residue that falls into the sea at concentrations of less than 1 part per billion.”

A spokesperson for Edith Cowan claimed that Mr Tarrant was a only a sessional (part time) academic, and that his views were not shared by those on “permanent contracts.”

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Aussie Mayor Targets Pooch Urine

The City of Vincent in Perth Western Australia has become the first jurisdiction in the world to require owners to take responsibility for their pets’ urine as well as feces. The yellow bags that are currently made available to remove solid waste will from July 1st this year, include a sponge pad to sop up dog urine from around poles and trees and other hot spots. Owners will be encouraged to try to catch the stream of urine if possible. City of Vincent Mayor Alannah MacTiernan told The Asia Beat, “Well once it’s hit the post or whatever, you are never going to be able to sop it all up. Better to catch it before it gets to the environment. We see this as a major environmental plus for the City of Vincent. Nobody wants urine soaked poles. We don’t allow public upetpissrination by humans, so why allow dogs?” Ms MacTiernan expected other Councils to follow suit within the next few months. However Town of Cambridge (a nearby jurisdiction in Perth) Mayor Simon Withers labelled the move as “Impractical,” and “Typical bloody Alannah.”