Singapore admits, “National Service all about shooting Malaysians.”

Asia’s worst kept defence secret is finally out in the open, as a senior official admitted to journalists that Singapore’s compulsory military service (NS) was really only concerned with “shooting Malaysians.” Chan Chun Sing, the island’s Second Minister for Defence, said in an interview ostensibly concerned with his role in the Family Development ministry, said, “National Service is all about serving a higher purpose. And that higher purpose is shooting Malaysians if necessary. Who else are we going to shoot? Germans? LOL*”

Relations between Singapore and Malaysia have traditionally been on a basis of mutual suspicion, reaching low points in 2010 when it was discovered in that groups of Malaysians had been urinating into Singapore’s drinking water imports for decades. Relations fell further that same year when Malaysia claim to have invented Singapore’s iconic drink the Singapore Sling.

A spokesperson for the Malaysian Defence ministry told the Asia Beat. “It’s not like we didn’t already know that.”

*Sing later claimed to have said “Lah” not “LOL”.

Actors protest over MH370 delay

KL. Dozens of Malaysian actors on standby for The MH 370 Air Crash Investigators episode, protested outside of The Malaysian Airlines head office. “We fully understand,” said Yayasan Artis 1 Malaysia (Malaysian Arts Organisation) spokesperson Datuk DJ Bob. “All these roles for veteran actors in an international production, and they’re all just waiting around. Some of them have had to turn down incontinence pad ads. Nobody’s getting paid! But they have to show patience.”

Malaysian Chinese actors who are set to play the bulk of the roles of “doomed passenger” and “worried relative” have been particularly hard hit.

Actors frustrated over search delays.

Malaysian croc may have “withdrawn consent”.

Amsterdam. The male rare Malaysian crocodile involved in the vigorous mating session that killed his female partner may be sanctioned or even put down if it is determined that the female had withdrawn consent. First reports indicated that the female gavial crocodile was a “willing and enthusiastic” participant in the mating frenzy that left her cut, bleeding and ultimately dead. “We are examining the audio now,” an Amsterdam Zoo spokesperson told The Asia Beat. “We initially thought the grunting was the usual mating willingness, but other experts have interpreted them as “Get off me, you are suffocating me!”” The male gavial, which in the past has had a reputation as a “tender and generous” lover is in isolation, pending the results of the enquiry.

“Enthusiastic and willing”.

Anwar sodomy final hope for Malaysia’s UMNO

As political support for Malaysian ruling party plummets, insiders concede that only Anwar “Giving a man a quick one”, can stave off political collapse. Without an Anwar sodomy incident, Barisar would stuggle to win a single seat in Penang, if an election were held today. “We have men dropping the soap in the shower at his sports club, bending to tie their shoelaces in front of him when he goes out, and even sending sausages and donuts to his house,” said a frustrated Barisar aide. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I hope he’s not too old for sodomy now. That would be a disaster for us.”

Anwar too old for sodomy?

Malaysian “Gay and lesbian warning signs” seem to describe Singaporeans.

The Asia Beat Kuala Lumpur. Guidelines to identify gay and lesbian symptoms published by the Malaysian education board as a guide to parents, seem to describe Singaporeans according to Asian gay acitvists. Malaysian Education ministry spokeman Deputy Education Minister Mohd Puad Zarkashi describes the similarities as “Coincidence.”

The guidelines, designed to help Malaysian parents stamp out incipient homosexuality in their children list several symptoms of gays:   Symptoms of gays:

Gay apparatus

Living in Singapore.
Being from Singapore.
Studying graphic design in Singapore.
Having a father who ran away in 1964 and didn’t stand up like a man to be macheted to death by a mob.
Stylish male clutch bags.
Orchard Rd.
Orange Julius.
Saying “Lah” particularly during male sexual congress.
Saying “Lah outside sexual congress.
Drinking Singapore Slings.

“Lazy” Malaysian sand “Better off in Singapore”.

Singapore’s voracious sand mining industry received a boost from the island’s Minister responsible for National Development Tan Chuan-Jin. (Also touted as next PM.)

Describing Malaysian sand as “good for nothing” and “lying about on the beach all day”, Tan went on to describe how the formerly unproductive granules were now “pulling their weight”  by being part of Singapore’s glorious expansion.

“Each grain can now have pride in itself with a decent work ethic,” said Tan.

Singapore imports about 15 million tonnes of sand annually, largely used in expanding the land mass of the island.

Anwar shuns sausage feast after sodomy victory

Anwar objected to this sausage.

KL. Anwar Ibrahim, fresh from beating sodomy charges in court failed to show at a celebratory barbecue in his honour afterwards, which featured sausages. The controversial Malaysian politician was said to privately fuming, having given strict instructions that sausages and donuts were “off the menu” for any public events associated with him for the forseeable future. He was said to have grudgingly sanctioned lamb kebabs only after pleas from his daughter. “You just have to have one agent provocateur in the crowd, putting sausage and donut together in a suggestive fashion, and that would be just the excuse the police need,” he told The Asia Beat.

A police spokeman claimed he was 100% certain that Anwar had personally ordered the sausages and donuts himself.

The Asia Beat
Previous Asia Beat Anwar story.

Astrologers Brawl as Rabbit Year Approaches

Guangzhou. Ever finer divisions of Chinese zodiac signs “discovered” by competing Chinese astrologers and necromancers spilled into street brawling outside a conference designed to once and for all codify the divisions.  Supporters of Little Astrology Prince from Hong Kong, savagely beat Singapore Feng Shui master Joey Yap over whether a “Rabbit” born on the 16th July 1963 of the Western Calendar was a Water-Gold-Emerald-Horn-Clay-Tofu-Jade-Soot-Wine – Rabbit, or a Water-Gold-Clay-Bile-Soot-Hay-Springwater-Lapis-Wine Rabbit.
A Chinese Government spokesman, while denying that a ban would be placed on divisions finer than a week, did admit that there was growing frustration over the need for more and more accuracy of timing. “Couples now have to use a stopwatch at both the birth and conception to know whether their child is a Fire Jade or a Fire Tofu. A slightly delayed ejaculation by the man could mean the difference between a child who is graceful, artistic, and respectful, to one who is graceful and artisitic, but downright surly, and no one wants that. ”

Another attempt will be made to settle the matter in Kuala Lumpur in four years time.

Malaysians urged to fart more to sink Singapore

Belief that global warming will raise sea levels has promted radical nationalist groups to call on all Malaysians to produce greenhouse gases “any way they can”. They hope this action will help “drown arrogant Singapore.” Feeding cattle with cheese, chillie squid and Nasi Lemak were other strategies designed to increase the country’s gaseous output.

Sonia Yeow from the Malaysia Youth Climate Justice Network told The Asia Beat that while she was glad her country seemed to have accepted evidence for climate change, she did not believe these groups were acting in the “right spirit”. Malaysian coastal communities are also said to be “uneasy” about the proposal.

Sodomy Weighs Heavily on Anwar’s Shoulders

Nominal Malaysian Opposition Leader Anwar Ibrahim told The Asia Beat’s KL correspondent, “If I’m convicted again, I’m definitely trying sodomy. Why not? I might as well see what all the fuss is about ah? In 20 years jail, you think Nelson Mandela didn’t give another prisoner a seeing to once in a while? Come on, you’re living in a dream world man! If UMNO wants sodomy, I’ll give them all the sodomy they can take!