Sushi Train Wreck

Perth, Western Australia became the last jurisdiction in the world to to regulate the maximum speed of its sushi trains. A decades long fight for control between the Ministry of Transport and the Health department, has seen the city’s 80 sushi trains restricted to a plodding 0.02 kilometres per hour – sushi trains in Japan frequently exceed 25 kilometres per hour.

A spokesperson for the WA Health Department told The Asia Beat, “It’s absurd for the transport department to be involved. It’s a restaurant, not an actual train, and therefore should be under the control of Health.” Despite this, it is not certain that a move to the health portfolio would actually mean a deregulation of sushi train speeds. As late as last week the health department website was still advocating some kind of limit, albeit with a much brisker 5 kilometre per hour top speed. This is still 20kmh less that the fastest Japanese trains.

The transport minister Dean Nalder issued a statement. “Sushi trains are designated trains, and transport goods, and as such will continue to come under the transport portfolio. The government continues to support the current speed limit.”

Super Wasabi

Japan’s famous Super Wasabi “bullet” sushi train can reach speeds of 26.5 kmh.

Snake of the year spat turns nasty

The fallout from the snake of the year scandal could threaten Australian Indian relations, with the Indian Consul General to Australia, Sunjay Sudhir labelling the Taipan a “bullshit snake”. The dumping of the Cobra which has been snake of the year five years in a row came after scientists pointed out that the term “cobra” covered a huge range of species, not just the one snake, making the award invalid.

India renominated the King Cobra, and it was widely believed that this snake would have the honour transferred as a formality. However the Presidium decided to hold a new vote, and in a shock move, Mozambique also nominated their famous Spitting Cobra.

With the Cobra voting block hopelessly split, Australia’s Coastal Taipan stolled in as an easy winner. Australian environment minister Greg Hunt told The Asia Beat that The King Cobra “Just didn’t have the numbers. End of Story.”

Coastal Taipan. Snake of The Year Photo; AllenMcC.

Coastal Taipan. Snake of The Year Photo; AllenMcC.

Aussie icon may cure sick

A pylon at Western Australia’s Cottesloe beach is set to become “A Lourdes for the stomach” if claims by three tourists are true. One man, a Japanese national who only wanted to be identified as Hiroshi, claimed that touching the pylon – a short but challenging swim from the beach – cured his extreme diarrhea. “I touched it and immediately my intestines relaxed,” Hiroshi told The Asia Beat.

It would be easy to dismiss Hiroshi’s claims as pure coincidence, were it not that two Italian men also claimed that touching the pylon had relieved stomach cramps caused by eating half frozen Chiko Rolls and lamingtons (Australian delicacies.) Social media posts also seem to confirm the claims with many people saying that touching the pylon had relieved everything from “general queasiness” to “Gippy tummies”.

A spokeperson from Sir Charles Gairdner hospital where where Hiroshi and the Italian men were tested and confirmed to be gastrically healthy, said, “It would be better just not to eat that crap rather than rely on “Magic pylons”.

miracle pylon

Sick tourists swim to the miracle pylon

Singapore admits, “National Service all about shooting Malaysians.”

Asia’s worst kept defence secret is finally out in the open, as a senior official admitted to journalists that Singapore’s compulsory military service (NS) was really only concerned with “shooting Malaysians.” Chan Chun Sing, the island’s Second Minister for Defence, said in an interview ostensibly concerned with his role in the Family Development ministry, said, “National Service is all about serving a higher purpose. And that higher purpose is shooting Malaysians if necessary. Who else are we going to shoot? Germans? LOL*

Relations between Singapore and Malaysia have traditionally been on a basis of mutual suspicion, reaching low points in 2010 when it was discovered in that groups of Malaysians had been urinating into Singapore’s drinking water imports for decades. Relations fell further that same year when Malaysia claim to have invented Singapore’s iconic drink the Singapore Sling.

A spokesperson for the Malaysian Defence ministry told the Asia Beat. “It’s not like we didn’t already know that.”

*Sing later claimed to have said “Lah” not “LOL”.ns45

Asian firm sparks “wife beater” brawl.

Bali: Indonesian clothing manufacturer Kemeja Basics has sparked a copyright war over use of the term “wife beater” for white sleeveless singlets. American firm Hanes which claims ownership of the term, has threatened Kemeja with a lawsuit over their new “Wife Harmer” range of singlets made for Indonesian beer firm Bintang. A spokesperson for Kemeja refused to comment to The Asia Beat, other than to issue a statement that, “Wife harming and wife beating can describe completely different activities.”

The Wife Harmer style singlets were still being sold in Bali as late as this morning.

Wife Harmer

“Wife Harmer” not “Wife Beater” claims firm.

Actors protest over MH370 delay

KL. Dozens of Malaysian actors on standby for The MH 370 Air Crash Investigators episode, protested outside of The Malaysian Airlines head office. “We fully understand,” said Yayasan Artis 1 Malaysia (Malaysian Arts Organisation) spokesperson Datuk DJ Bob. “All these roles for veteran actors in an international production, and they’re all just waiting around. Some of them have had to turn down incontinence pad ads. Nobody’s getting paid! But they have to show patience.”

Malaysian Chinese actors who are set to play the bulk of the roles of “doomed passenger” and “worried relative” have been particularly hard hit.

Actors frustrated over search delays.

Actors frustrated over search delays.

Asian brides shun NZ Eco toilets

New Zealand has long been a favourite destination for Asian weddings and honeymoons, but recent legislation has all but killed the environmentally friendly honeymoon market. Requirements that resorts and hotels using the term “eco” must use composting or “long drop” toilets, has left high end honeymoon suites largely empty.

“We love New Zealand’s clean environment.” a Singaporean bride told The Asia Beat, ” but we are not used to this. How can you have romance, when your waste is composting next door?”

“Uggh, it’s the sound,” a Japanese bride said. “You do your business, then, a long, long time later, you hear the sound when it hits. It’s that terrible silence in between, as it drops…I just couldn’t take it. We left for Australia’s Gold Coast right after breakfast. No long drops. Never!”

New Zealand Tourism Board head, Kerry Prendergast, said, “There are no plans to change the laws. Although there may be slightly fewer Asian visitors, this has been more than made up by the increase in German honeymooners. They love the whole process! They even ask if they can spread it on the gardens themselves.”compt